Bowel Moments
Real talk about the realities of IBD...On the rocks! Hosts Robin and Alicia interview people living with Crohn's disease, ulcerative colitis, or indeterminate colitis (collectively knows as Inflammatory Bowel Diseases or IBD) and the medical providers who care for our community. Join us to meet people affected by IBD- we laugh, we cry, we learn new things, we hear inspiring stories, and we share a drink.
Bowel Moments
Meet Stephanie L.!
This week Alicia and guest co-host Stacey Calabro talk to Stephanie LaFlamme! Stephanie takes us on an extraordinary journey through simultaneous health battles that would challenge anyone to their core. In late 2020, she was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis, but it wasn't until 2023 that her health challenges truly escalated. Stephanie discovered a breast lump that led to a diagnosis of triple-negative breast cancer—all while her IBD symptoms were spiraling out of control.
From multiple hospitalizations to living with an ostomy, from chemotherapy to a double mastectomy, Stephanie's story reveals the physical and emotional complexities of becoming a patient after years of working as a mental health professional. Her insights into the shame and self-blame that often accompany chronic illness offer a healing perspective.
Throughout her medical odyssey, Stephanie discovered unexpected sources of strength. Her daily journaling practice became a lifeline during her darkest moments, helping her process emotions and find her way back to herself. She shares wisdom about setting boundaries, managing energy, and practicing "unrelenting patience" with your body during recovery.
Her story reminds us that while cancer often receives significant attention and support, living with IBD can feel isolating and less understood—yet both require tremendous courage and compassion.
Join us for this deeply moving episode that will resonate with anyone navigating chronic illness, supporting a loved one through health challenges, or seeking to understand the profound ways illness can transform our relationship with ourselves.
Links:
Let's get social!!
Follow us on Instagram!
Follow us on Facebook!
Follow us on Twitter!
Hi, I'm Alicia and I'm Robin, and you're listening to Bowel Moments, the podcast sharing real talk about the realities of IBD Serve on the rocks. This week we talked to Stephanie Laflamme. Stephanie is living with ulcerative colitis and during a time when her IBD was particularly aggressive, she was also diagnosed with breast cancer. So we talked to her about her journey of coping with both of those illnesses, while also dealing with a new ostomy. She also happens to be a mental health professional, so we talked to her about the ways that she coped with living with ulcerative colitis and dealing with breast cancer. We talked to her about journaling and we talked to her about the Enneagram Cheers. Hi, everybody, welcome to Bowel Moments.
Speaker 2:This is Alicia Hi this is Stacey Calabro, your guest host for today. I'm sorry. Today we have Miss Stephanie Laflamme joining us and we're so excited to learn more about her story. Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 3:Thank you, thank you for having me. Thank you for joining us.
Speaker 1:Thank you, thank you for having me. Wow, and guys, we have to say that unfortunately, robin was not able to join us today, so we are very grateful to Stacey Stacey the deuce for joining us again to guest host with us. Stephanie, yes, we are very excited to hear your story, but our first, very unprofessional question is what are you drinking?
Speaker 3:I'm drinking tea with ashwagandha. Chill tea, yeah. Chill tea, yeah.
Speaker 1:Adult beverages have been pretty much off my menu for the last two years. Yeah, that's fair. I have tried ashwagandha and I feel like it gives me headaches.
Speaker 3:Don't tell me that, because I'm going to worry about it. No, it's, I think, you know, because it's in a tea. It's just kind of like it's very calming. I yeah, I haven't noticed that.
Speaker 1:Well, and I will preface this by saying pretty much everything gives me a headache. So you know, it's it probably is my head not an oshawa thing.
Speaker 2:That's my guess on this cc?
Speaker 1:what are you drinking?
Speaker 2:well, I am still in um in my office so I have lukewarm water in my camp oasis uh bottle.
Speaker 3:Hopefully has not been washed, probably since camp last year, so just since camp away so I saw your live bacteria right there in your gut it's just all, yeah, I yeah feeding your microbiome I love this for
Speaker 2:you alicia, uh, what are you drinking?
Speaker 1:you know, guys, I got real excited that it's february and I'm no longer dryish Januarying it, and so I am drinking what's referred to as a bee's knees oh I love that cocktail.
Speaker 3:I just found it, like two months ago, and it is the one thing that, like, my body is kind of like okay, I got you, I can take, I can drink this lovely. Yeah, it's so good no, I'm so excited.
Speaker 1:I've not I don't think I've ever had one before. It's gin, honey, simple syrup or honey syrup and lemon juice, and that's it.
Speaker 3:That's all that's in there, is there not, lavender?
Speaker 1:and you're not in mine, I'm guessing. That would be really really nice though. So yeah, so cheers guys, cheers, cheers. Can you?
Speaker 3:tell us your ibd story, starting wherever you want to start my story is like kind of jammed packed into like four years. You know, as I've like gotten to know, people who've gone through an expert are going through and do have ibd and all that diagnoses. What I've seen has happened much earlier than when it happened for me, right? So, like it happened for me at the very end of 2020. So super duper, stressful year, you know lots of just all the things. So it was the end of 2020. So super duper, stressful year, you know lots of just all the things. So it was the end of 2020.
Speaker 3:And I noticed symptoms, not cramping symptoms, but just like blood in the stool, and I just, you know, kind of made myself pick up my phone and call my doctor right away and just let her know. You know it was my OBGYN and she referred me to a GI group here and I think I went in to see them about a month later, did a colonoscopy. What he found was like beginnings of some things that looked like what he thought could be ulcerative colitis and at the time I was like I don't know what that is, that doesn't run in my family, I don't, you know and he wanted to put me on prednisone and I was like you know, back then very like, well, I don't want to take steroids and so I don't want to do that, so I'm not going to do that and I'll be fine. And so I kind of just like pushed my way, you know, kind of through, and I was 2021. After that, he's, I think they started yeah, it was a prednisone, and then maybe the oh, the misalamine tablets, and again, I wasn't at that point having a lot of really bad symptoms. It was just I had noticed that that was you know what was happening with my body and you know anyway. So that was kind of the beginning of it.
Speaker 3:Then I got a COVID shot, may or April of 2021. My shoulder froze as a result of the COVID shot, which is an autoimmune response very rare but an autoimmune response to injury. The shoulders like a super complicated joint that we have and the shoulder sometimes protects itself when it gets or thinks it's being injured. So I already had like a little bit of an injury in there. I got the shot in there. So my whole shoulder just like clamped down, like tight, I mean the kind of pain where I'd never had that kind of pain before.
Speaker 3:So you know I did some physical therapy and they gave me some cortisone shots, you know, but basically they're like, well, it just it needs to take, it just takes time and it will start to loosen up. Well, right about that time then my IBD symptoms kind of started ramping up and I started getting the cramping and I started, you know, getting really cautious around foods and like getting really restrictive and wondering was I, had I done this to myself? Was I eating the wrong things? All you know, all the questions, because this is such a well, it's just, you know, I didn't know anything about it. So let's see. So that's 2021. So by the end of 20, by around October 2021, I was really, really, really, really struggling with the symptoms of IBD. I was now at the point where we're doing the mesalamine like suppositories of mesalamine enemas still on, you know, off and on in the steroids, and nothing's really like keeping it at bay. Meanwhile, my shoulder is finally starting to loosen up. Right around October, I started to be able to gain, like more mobility, so I started to feel better in that way, but the symptoms of my IBD just continued to get worse.
Speaker 3:So by beginning of 2022, finally, I was approved for Humira. Like it takes forever to do these things. So I started on the Humira at the beginning of 2022, which is the injection every two weeks. Keep in the fridge all the things you know black box, cancer causing things All these things were like not in my brain. I was like this is going to make me feel better. Yes, I'll do this. So I did the Humira and I was great. I had really nice, lovely health from probably beginning of spring to October of 2022. Even so far as like when I went to go to see my GI for the like a colonoscopy checkup in September of 2022. He's like it's golden, you're good, like you've healed, your colon is healed, like I mean, you know, well, done you as if. But I was like great, okay, I'll just keep taking the medicine, this is something that I can manage, and maybe even I might get to go off the medicine, you know, and it will all be okay.
Speaker 3:That was September, october. I started to feel kind of tired and kind of run down November, same thing very busy months for us October, november, december. So just like kind of just trying to keep up with it all and just trying to be where I needed to be and just feeling just like not myself. By the time beginning of December, sorry, rolled around, I was back in like these are UC symptoms again, you know, let my doctor know, and they have to run all the tests right To make sure it's not like bacterial. So that took time. So making sure it's not C diff or making sure it's not, you know, whatever, what have you on the list of things that they check. So all of this taking time. Meanwhile I'm getting sicker and sicker. And then Christmas and all the things and all the traveling and all the you know events and it just it was just very draining time for me.
Speaker 3:So wrapped up the year with like a really bad kind of sickness. I don't know it wasn't COVID, but it was just a really bad like virus. I ended up in the hospital, in the ER, on January 2nd because I just wasn't able to like keep anything down high fever, all the things and they did the scan and I remember like them saying oh, you know, we don't show anything in the abdomen except you know. And then I looked at the paper and it's like complete collapse of whatever distal colon. And I remember thinking like I was so sick and so tired that I just wanted to go home. I thought, okay, everything's fine, I'm good, I'll go home and I'll take these antibiotics and I'll feel better. And then I read the piece of paper and I'm like I wonder, did they see that? Is that supposed to be collapsed? I'm thinking no, because that doesn't sound right.
Speaker 3:So, got home, got a little bit better enough to go back to work, and at the time I was working in a hospital setting, a PHP setting for mental health. I was doing assessments for acute issues with teenagers, so basically suicidal like ideation and all that assessment. So I really loved my work. It was a lot, though, you know, and so I was kind of trying to manage me and then them, and it was just I felt I was just it was heavy, right, so, cause I didn't really know what was going on, then January, on January 25th 2023, my mother-in-law, who I've known because I've married my high school sweetheart.
Speaker 3:I've known her since I was 14, very quickly, very suddenly passed away, was 14, very quickly, very suddenly passed away. Like, I mean, we just she was sick. She went to the hospital. My husband called me on the way to work and said my mom's in the hospital, it doesn't look good and she has COVID by 10 AM. They had said you know she's not going to make it. And so I got back in my car, came back home. You know we're on the phone, everyone's so emotional, my son's calling, everyone's calling my daughter's, like I'm trying to come back from TCU. It's just, it's a lot, it's all the things. And so get my husband situated and get him to California. So he got there just in time for her to kind of let go. I mean she was all hooked up and gone, but she was there when he got there.
Speaker 3:Right about that time my daughter got home from TCU. I kind of like, you know, helped her, consoled her, put her in bed, kind of tucked her in and I was like, okay, you know, just watch this, or you know, you know, hang out here. You know I'm going to go take a shower. I went to go take a shower and, for the first time in my life, did a breast exam, not on purpose, just because I was just like washing away all the things and just trying. I was very emotional, crying, and I felt a lump and I was like, hmm, that's new, I think, and okay. So I get out of the shower and I'm thinking, well, I can't like tell anyone because everyone's super sad right now, like I can't be like oh, I found a lump, you know. So I did the same thing I did when I got my symptoms for IBD. I called my doctor right away, like you know, I just right away and she's like, okay, let's, let's get you in, we'll get you in, we do a biopsy. I said, fine, it's probably, they're probably nothing, let's just get it checked out. I said, okay, meanwhile still, I've already lost 10 pounds, started to kind of taper, so 10 pounds down at that point.
Speaker 3:And then they scheduled the sonograms or whatever it was that they had to do scans I swear all that is still really a bit of a blur Scheduled them and then Dallas froze. So no appointments, no, nothing, we're stuck and it's cold and it's dark and we're all sad and I've got this bump and I don't know what it is and I'm losing weight and I can't eat and, like you know, my everyone it was just awful, so that kind of that. Finally let up. I got in, got my scans done and got my diagnosis on February 14th 2023, triple negative breast cancer, stage two 67% growth rate or something. There's a number that they call it, but that means that it was a fast growing tumor, so not a good number. That was like we would have liked that to be lower, you know, but it was fast.
Speaker 3:So I remember standing there in the kitchen and, like right before I got the diagnosis, I remember looking at my husband and thinking, you know, I think that I'll get better, like I'll feel better once I know that this is gone. You know, I know that it's nothing, you know, and I remember thinking that and really believing it. You know it's like this is not going to be anything. And so when it was my body just like cramped down, I mean, it was just like fear just came, all the things. So I had to figure out how to like tell my kids and tell my family and tell all the people. Meanwhile I've got to start planning for treatment. So kind of got all those ducks in a row.
Speaker 3:From February 14th till about the 23rd I was doing all of those things meeting with my oncologist, my oncology surgeon, finding out where the cancer center is at Presby here in Dallas, all these things that you know, I didn't know. And my daughter was slated to go to Europe. They both were both my kids, to go to Europe for travel abroad that coming summer. And I knew that my husband had one of us had to go with her to the post office to get her passport done on the 23rd and I just was like I just need to get to that day. You know, it was like short, little small goals already. I was like pinching my life off into these tiny increments just to like kind of make it through. And so my husband went to Fort Worth, got all that done, you know, and my daughter said, you know, I said okay, if I'm still going. I said, of course you know, yes, still go. She said would you tell me if I shouldn't go? And I said, yes, I would, but you're going to go. So I wanted them both to go do their things.
Speaker 3:He came home from the post office and within about 12 hours my IBD became unmanageable, like it was just I called my you know, portaled my doctor, who's great, super responsive, and he's like you're not able to manage this at home, you need to go to the hospital. And I was like whoa, okay. And then that kind of made me realize how sick I was. And I can remember being like you know, gathering up my things and stuff to kind of get ready to go to the hospital. And as we're on our way there, I can just feel it Like I was just like going down, like I'm like this is not good, not good.
Speaker 3:And I got in there and I was like all the diarrhea, all the vomiting, all the cramping, super fatigued, confused, scared, all the things Get in the bed and I'm tachycardic because like my heart rate's racing but I have low blood pressure, so all the things are like off and screwy. So they admitted me. I was there for four days, for five days, and they kind of got under control, gave me some iron, gave me IV steroids and then decided to move me to Antibio and so the plan was okay. So you're going to check out at this hospital and you're going to go get your Antibio shot on the way home at the clinic next door and you're going to go home, rest, the Antibio will kick in. That's the second dose I had. Yeah, the first dose was back in January and they said it'll take a couple weeks and I said, okay, we'll just Dallas that night.
Speaker 3:So I'm in bed and a huge storm, just like winds from all sorts of sites, all the places, and I can remember that. And then I remember falling asleep and then I remember waking up with just like all my symptoms. My fever was back like up to 102.5. I was like diarrhea, super tired up, you know, up and down, up and down, and I kept popping Zofran because they'd given me the Zofran at the hospital and I thought to myself, if I could just keep myself from throwing up, I can maybe stay home, because throwing up still got me in the hospital back in January. So you tell yourself all these things, you know like you have some kind of impact on what's going to happen and you just like, don't you know what's going to happen is going to happen.
Speaker 3:So next thing I know I wake up and my husband's like clapping his hands, like I had passed out in the bathroom, cut my lip on the tile on the floor. So he had called 911 and then, like, gotten me awake, you know, and in the ambulance back to Presby and this time, though, all the same symptoms, you know, still not able to control my bowel, still super nauseated, still tachycardic, still high fever, but this time I had an added bonus of like a head injury. So I like couldn't talk. Really, like my husband was like when is your son's birthday? And I was like, and I can't if you've never been in that position, you can't explain what it feels like to like want to say something. And like I'm looking at him like how can I not be saying this? But I couldn't say it.
Speaker 3:So kind of managing all that. You know, doctors are coming in, one's sewing up my lip, the other doctor's coming in and he's like, well, the antibio is definitely not working. And I'm thinking, okay, big picture people like you know. And I look over and I see my surgeon, who I had met, a surgeon who I had met the week before when I first got admitted, and he's like you probably don't need me, but this is what I do. I remove colons, and it's a very successful surgery because it relieves the symptoms immediately. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you have an ostomy. I'm like, oh, I'm sorry, oh what? And you know, that's kind of where I was, I didn't know.
Speaker 3:So then I, at the second time, admitted I saw him and he was standing in the corner and just very like calm and pensive and head down, and just like just I could tell he was thinking, and he was the only one that wasn't barking stuff at me. Like you know, this is what we did. We need to change this or this and this. And I just needed someone to like hold it and just care for me and like get me calm and get me you know. So oncologist came, my oncology surgeon came, everyone came and they were like, okay, we, we can't let you go home again because you have to start chemo. We can't let you go home again because you have to start chemo. And you know we need to fix this, we need to get you stable, whatever that looks like If it's long-term, you're in the hospital and we start chemo here. That was one of the things that was on the table, whatever it looked like.
Speaker 3:At that point I finally felt like, okay, somebody gets the fact that I'm really struggling, I have a lot to do. And so I stayed and man, you. And so I stayed and, man, I mean, I tried everything to get my colon to heal. You know, I was like doing the prayers, doing the manifesting, doing the visualization, and talking to my colon, all the things you know like, because I wanted to get better, I wanted to get stronger, to go home, you know, and and and surgery to me felt like the wrong way to go, you know cause I felt like gosh. Well, I'm not going to cut open my body when I have to do all these other things, right so?
Speaker 3:But a week and a half went by and there I am in this room. You know, like a lovely. I've been in all the rooms at Presby, by the way, all the towers, I'm not no joke. This is by far the best. It's in Hammond. It's a lovely room, wood paneling, it's got a little seated area with a place where my husband could sleep and he stayed with me all the nights in the hospital, and I've been in there for like 60 days, total over two years, and I could see Dallas outside Meanwhile, like spring is popping, like things are blooming and I'm thinking how am I going to get out there? I don't know how to get out there, because I am in here and all I do all day is eat and then report on my bowel movements on this board.
Speaker 3:And then someone comes in and talks to me about it. You know, the hospital doctors are always tricky because they really they're not your doctors, right? So well, it's not good that you have that. I said I know, I know. So like, I mean, it's just day after day, tracking, pooping, eating, tracking, talking about it, my husband's writing it up there, he talking about it, my husband's writing it up there. He's like there's more blood this time or less this time. I'm like, oh my God, I mean, this is where we are, but that's where we were right.
Speaker 3:So they did another colonoscopy after a week and a half to see if they had seen any changes. If they saw any changes, there might be a chance that I could, you know, be able to come out of this without surgery. Well, it had gone the other way. So the GI doctor who did the colonoscopy said to me and I'll never forget it I woke up and he said to me well, that is an impressive amount of colitis. I was like, do you mean a lot? And he said, yeah. So, like these words that show up in doctors use like rare white blood cells. It's not special white blood cells, it's few. You know anyway all these terms that the doctors use anyway for someone like me who loves to read and write, and I'm like impressive, really A lot. He's like yeah, a lot. I said okay. So my surgeon came back to see me that day and he said so, given the findings and given what you have ahead of you, this is what we recommend.
Speaker 3:And at that point I was okay with it because I was really, really sick. I mean, I was losing weight and my husband, like I could still hear he like kind of coughed up into a little cry at that point and I looked at him like, are you okay? And he's like well, no, I said I mean either. But like you know, it's so hard to be a caregiver, right, you're just, you're on the outside, we're locked into the struggle. You know we have to be there. They're on the outside. It's different, it's hard. So I said, okay, let's do it. You know, can we do it, like right now? And he's like no, we have to wait till Wednesday. I'm like, oh, my God. So to another day, another day of 24 hours of prep. So another, you know all the things, and that point, the time just like was so slow and I'm like I just want to get it done.
Speaker 3:And I remember just thinking, okay, all right, okay, let's just do this, you know, and I had no idea what was in my future really, all I knew was that I was not doing well, I was not going to pull out of this in a way that would be in time to fight this cancer that I could already feel was growing. So surgery happened on a Wednesday. I stayed, and to the hospital, I think until Tuesday, they thought I could go home, you know, sooner. I was so weak, you know, just so weak, that I just I stayed till I felt like I could walk across a room, you know, I mean, that's kind of where I was at, you know, and I would sit down on a toilet and I would. I would having to use the bars to pull myself up and I'm I mean, I've been a runner my whole life. Strength, it's all part of who I thought I was. All of a sudden I can't stand up off the toilet. I'm like, oh my God, I need to be able to stand up, you know. So just kept, you know, walking and waiting and waiting. So, anyway, finally got home from the hospital March 22nd and then, just like, set on a like a path to get stronger, to eat the food, to move the body, to get me to a place where, like all my blood work was okay and strong enough for me to start chemotherapy. And I managed to do all that.
Speaker 3:I started chemotherapy on May 1st. Meanwhile I'm becoming friends with my new ostomy Friends is a really generous word. At that point it was just like a total stranger. I didn't understand what was going on. I didn't have any clue how to work the tools, the equipment, what I needed to order. Where do I order it? From what size? How do I know? You mean, I have to cut it every time, I have to trace it, like, how do I know how big it is? I mean, it was all just like so hard, you know. But I just, I guess I, little by little, I just kind of kept at it and eventually got strong enough to where, yeah, I started chemo on May 1st.
Speaker 3:So, yeah, at that point my IBD kind of took a backseat, really, you know, it was healed in the sense that I wasn't having the cramping anymore, you know, still having, you know, some like rectal pressure and rectal discharge and like some bleeding and all the things that you know. I was like okay, okay, this is what we're doing now. So, like it was just, it kind of just kept changing and kept evolving as far as like what I was dealing with on the daily. But yeah, I started chemo May 1st, proceeded through chemo for May, june, july. Very end of July I switched to the stronger medicine, which is they call the red double. It's like the really strong one.
Speaker 3:I had already lost half my head of hair after being in the hospital after the IBD, which was just like I mean, I get home, I've got this ostomy and like no, no weight on me, and all of a sudden I'm brushing my hair and it's just like falling out. And then there it was just like on the counter, this like mound of hair. I just burst into tears, you know. So then you know I've got this super, super thin hair and they're like, well, you're going to want to do cold cap. You know, you already kind of don't have a lot of hair and I'm like I know I yeah if.
Speaker 3:I had a full head of hair, I would try it. And then to top it off, my oncologist was like, oh, but by the way, the second medication you're on, the cold cap, won't do anything. It's too strong, so don't even bother. So I didn't. Mid-may I ended up shaving the rest of my head. I bought two wigs. I wore each one of them exactly two times, not comfortable with, like portraying anything that wasn't authentic to what I was going through, like it was just I'm like this is happening. This is what my head looks like.
Speaker 3:Near the end of chemo I had neutropenic fever. For a week I had to go back in the hospital, so another tower, another room, all of this, like with my ostomy right. So, like you know, I'm hooked up to all this stuff I've got. I'm running a fever of 103. They're trying to figure out what's going on. They're dosing me with antibiotics and trying to keep the fever down, finally understanding that it is neutropenic fever because I have just like zero of the neutrals, all the things, and it causes a fever in some people. So I kind of just kept going and by that time I had become proficient enough with, you know, changing my bag. I'm the only one who's ever changed my bag, except for a stoma nurse.
Speaker 3:No one's ever helped me with any of that. I never felt comfortable with that, you know. So it was all me. But by that time I had become efficient enough to be able to manage it. Plus, I wasn't eating anything. So there was that, you know, made it a little bit easier. To be honest, got out of the hospital and came home and basically went to bed for a week. Like I did not get better. I still had two more doses of the red devil, that chemo to go. But I went in to go see my oncologist and she's like how was this past week? And I said I've been in bed the whole week with a fever still. And she just looked at me and she said you're done, no more chemo for you.
Speaker 3:Like we're just going to wrap it up here and we're going to go do the surgery in three or four weeks and that's it. So I didn't get to like ring the bell or anything Like I didn't get to do that. All she did was like she sent, that's okay, and I hadn't registered. You know that about the bell thing until much later, but I didn't get to do that and I feel like that was like you know, that's significant to completion. You know, because I remember thinking, like every time I go in for my chemo treatments, like my prayer was always that my blood work was good enough for me to continue to receive treatment. I'm like the only thing I don't want to hear is that I'm too sick to get treatment. Well, I finally was too sick.
Speaker 3:However, double mastectomy happened and the pathology came back super clean the holy grail of results. Like you know, I didn't need the extra two doses, so you know whoever was watching over and making all those choices. Again, I didn't need it, so had that surgery still with the ostomy. So now I've got, you know, bandages and all the stitches and I've got four drains. Because there's four drains, you know you get the one drain when you got the colectomy. You get four drains for a double mastectomy. So four drains, all the bandages and my ostomy, all the things happening on my body I'm like this is, I mean, unreal really kept getting better and stronger and all along still like thinking, okay, so I'm going to go for my reversal because there's no reason not to there. I didn't have any reason medically why they didn't think that I could have a reverse.
Speaker 3:So I went to go see my surgeon, planned for like beginning of April Cause he thought, okay, let's give you like three months, because I the end of December I had my swap out, my reconstruction surgery surgery. So they take out the tissue expanders and they put in the implants and they took out my port, which was kind of a big deal because I had been in for eight months and it was you know, that's a lot right there on your shoulder so got that out and got those in and then just again started to continue to heal again and then developed like a lot of inflammation and a lot of pain around my chest and then a sizable like lump on one of my knees and my ankle started to hurt. Then I started to develop what they called cellulitis. She thought it was cellulitis.
Speaker 3:My breast surgeon. She's like you should start on antibiotics. That looks like it could be cellulitis, because it was like kind of warm and red and I was like, oh okay, so I started the antibiotics and it kind of it got worse. So then I texted my plastic surgeon and I was like it's Saturday this is getting worse, not better.
Speaker 3:Sunday was Easter Sunday and my right breast just exploded like it. Just the skin gave way and not the implant. The implant didn't explode, my body was just like there was just all this pus. It was just everywhere. I mean, you know, and I just remember holding it and looking at my husband and like I think I'm in trouble, like something's not. This is not good. Yeah. So Easter we just kind of I mean, I, he's like you're, if you could the stuff I hear myself say that I did is like he's like if you could just get it, if you could just squeeze it all out, you know, and get it to where it's not coming out anymore, then you know, then just put a bandage on it and we'll see you tomorrow, monday. So I went in, I did, I went in to see him on Monday and he said yeah, your body's rejecting these for whatever reason they need to come out.
Speaker 3:Not a problem for me. I literally hated them from the second I had them. I knew it from the second. I got up from my bed after the reconstruction I said these are heavy, these are uncomfortable, what size are these? And I just I didn't want them. So anyway, they got taken out April-ish, very beginning of April and had to postpone my surgery, for the reversal was scheduled for April 8th. So I had to postpone that. Talking to my surgeon, he's like, okay, don't worry, you're going to, it's good, you know.
Speaker 3:But then all the inflammation kept coming and I it kind of didn't go away. The leg thing, and then the chest pain and it was just like nobody could figure out what it was. You know, nobody really knows the. You know they're like we're not sure it could be costochondritis, which is like inflammation in the joints in your chest. But then why is my knee the size of like a tennis ball, like below my knee, like I had two knees? So I finally just one day checked myself into the ER because I was like I am, I'm so tired and I'm so sick, and so I was there for about a week. Finally they, once they ran all the tests, they realized it was inflammation, started me on prednisone and renvoque at the same time and while it took a while for everything to like calm down and go away, I instantly felt like the fire inside had been put out, like I was on fire before and it was calming it down. So whatever that was, was inflammation related, most likely to IBD, right, so not related to the breast cancer at all.
Speaker 3:So, got home from that, my surgeon's like we really want you off steroids for at least eight weeks six to eight weeks before we do your surgery. So I'm like, man, this is another long game, okay. Cause my GI doctor's like you need to stay on these for four weeks and then transition to the RENVOC and then taper and taper slow, Cause you don't want to go. So, man, it was like just plodding along, you know waiting. Then I finally got there, finally got to my J-PALP. Surgery was August 26th. It went great, like no complications for the doctor, for me.
Speaker 3:It sent me into like some kind of crazy anxiety spiral Like I was. I've never been that anxious in my life. I started some medication over the summer just because I felt like I should probably let's just like get ahead of this and I might be developing some anxiety and all the things my oncologist had prescribed it, because they say that after you get the diagnosis of, like even when you're in the clear, you kind of go through like an emotional trough. Well, I didn't really experience that so much really until this past month, january. But that's the end of my story. So I had started on some antidepressants but nothing was working. I felt like I was swimming upstream, like I just felt so anxious, so so anxious, and I'm not used to that. I haven't dealt with real anxiety like that ever in my life.
Speaker 3:I don't know what it was about, you know, but now I had a new ostomy different shape, different deal further up the road, you know, like different output, and then, like I got the sores around it like I did the first time. So I had lots of stoma care there, lots of pain and dealing with that. But I got a lot better, stronger, by probably beginning of November, started to feel really good. November was great. Beginning of December was good too. And then I had my takedown surgery November 21st. That went great too. From the doctor's perspective, everything looked great. You know we had a couple scans before that, lots of things to happen to build up to that. But you know, all went well and he was like, yes, this is, you're great, good to go. What was really beautiful is I woke up from that surgery with not as much anxiety. I was so grateful. I'm like, oh, my God, okay.
Speaker 1:Like I know this is going to be hard, but I don't have that feeling.
Speaker 3:I kind of went on with with trying to heal from that which you know is different for everyone and exhausting and not something you like talk about, you know, even in your home, with the people who are your people. So now I am 10 weeks from takedown and I just finished the second, pretty significant round of antibiotics because I developed, I guess, pouchitis, which just made the whole thing, you know, harder. But they responded well to the antibiotics. I'm currently like trying to see, like I'm off the antibiotics now. Am I, am I headed back toward pouchitis, or is this just normal healing? And again, that's always individual, so hard to say. And then I guess, to wrap it all up, I mean I'm in a really good spot now today, you know, as of maybe the last week, mentally, january proved to be like my emotional trough and my body felt it. I mean it was like for two years I had been had on the calendar, you know, this surgery, this surgery, this treatment, this scan, this thing. All of a sudden it's wide open, right, and it's like I should be happy, but I'm like it's just me now, you know, and how to navigate that right, and so like my body just kind of went into like I don't know full panic again really, and I was just super anxious, higher heart rate, not sleeping that well. I did all the things, you know. I got some therapy, I got you know some energy work done. I've, you know, I have a nutritionist. I try to move my body. I do all the things. I've been writing in a journal religiously for like one year now, three pages a day and that has literally saved me from so many really dark moments. And then, yeah, and then I just kind of had it in my head to maybe I might want to share my story. You know, on this podcast that I've heard before where people talk about the things that nobody's talking about, and so it just kind of came to me like a one of those things that just comes to you. I'm going to message them and see if they might be interested. And so I was still in kind of a really rough place at that point.
Speaker 3:That was mid-January. So, yeah, feeling much better now, overall, body-wise, trauma-wise, anxiety-wise, still having some symptoms. But it's like, okay, now I just take that as a symptom and then we're just going to treat it. It's not a symptom and then we're going to treat it Like it's, you know, trying not to like go like, oh my God, it's failing, I'm going to go down again, you know, because I've been, you know cause I've done that and I've been in and out of the hospital so much and so, and that it could happen again over and over. But, like about a week ago, I don't know, all of a sudden I just started to feel better and started pushing myself less, putting less expectations. I thought that I'd be back like at my full, like speed, like beginning of January, you know, like six weeks, six, eight weeks after my surgery. Nope, not even close. So you know, just being really, really patient with myself, like unrelentlessly patient, and that is hard, but I think it's kind of what's helped me pull out of this.
Speaker 1:We appreciate you reaching out and being willing to share your story because, yeah, it takes all kinds of stories to make people feel like they're heard and part of the community. So thank you for doing that. I know it's not easy to share this at all, and I think it makes sense that you hit the trough because, frankly, there is something about being the project manager of your life that gives you something to do and now you don't have a project to manage. You know what I mean. Like it's like you don't have the next crisis to manage, and so now it's the time where your body just lets go of that. So it makes sense that you kind of hit that trough, for sure.
Speaker 3:Yeah, I feel that too. I feel that too in a big way.
Speaker 2:But I hope that you feel empowered by sharing that incredible story that I whoa, I'm holding my breath as you're talking. That was so much, but I feel like sharing that and saying you you know you got through to the other side despite every single thing. That is incredible.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it feels really good to be here and be able to tell that and yeah, it is a lot. I mean, I still feel like it's a lot when I'm telling people and I still don't really tell all the things you know, because it's two years of my life, and so, yeah, I appreciate the space to be able to do that. So, thank you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I appreciate the space to be able to do that, so thank you. So you both are healthcare professionals in different means. Well, and again I took enough sort of understanding of the social work profession to become dangerous as it relates to therapy. So I am curious how that functions as it relates to your specific disease states Because, like, obviously you are a mental health professional, Stacey, you are a nurse. When you add that layer of understanding of healthcare into your disease, are there times where it's easier and times where it's harder? Curious what layer that adds.
Speaker 3:There's two different things that I want to talk about with that. First of all, yes, I was just knowledgeable enough to be dangerous to myself, really, okay. So, like prior to getting sick, I was doing a lot of reading about trauma in the body and storage and that you know trauma stays in the body and you know I would talk about it and I would try to, you know, help people and all you know give the advice and all the things. And then I was reading a lot of Dr Gabor Mate, who wrote a lot of really good stuff about different diseases and their biopsychosocial profiles, right. So like I had read about what autoimmune disorders look like as it shows up in the human, like yes, these are hyper independent human beings typically. You know, like there's just like a you know a list. It covers cancer, and I remember reading about it, thinking, oh well, that's a thing I don't have and so that doesn't apply to me and I don't do that. So, and then you know it goes lots of things. So I had all this knowledge right.
Speaker 3:So when I got sick, it became my fault because I was like these things happen because of these things that we do or don't do in the environment and I wasn't far enough away from it to understand that. Well, one, it's not my fault and two, it's generational, right. So I mean this stuff can come from like generations before me and I could still be working that out, right? So it's not mine. And I remember my surgeon who I just like adore he's just the most compassionate surgeon I've ever met when he said we're going to do this surgery, we're going to get that colon out, we're going to get it out, you know, and I, you know it was emotional, and so it was my husband and he just looked right at me and he just said this is not your fault, you didn't do anything wrong. And I just like I held onto that like a life jacket because I thought I feel like I am drowning and I'm failing and it's all my fault. So that part, the knowledge of those things and the way that our genetics and interact with our environment, and the triggers and yes, I know that 2020 was a rough year and I know I put my body through it and I'm sure for sure that triggered my symptoms to start, but I mean, you know it was a pandemic. It's like, you know, that's not my fault. So, yes, medically. I had a lot of that knowledge.
Speaker 3:And then, additionally, I had all the knowledge of like you know what you're supposed to be able to like do when you're anxious, like, okay, you need to like move, or you need to like write, or you need to like talk to somebody or you need. You know all the things, but I had never been in like a freeze where you can't, and I remember my husband looking at me and he's like one day he's like you know, maybe if you just like get up and move around or you do this, and that I said you don't understand, I can't, and, knowing it, it's like you think it's going to protect you in some way. You know like, oh, I understand anxiety, so therefore I got this, I'm good, but that doesn't work that way. So you know all the levels happen the fight, the fright, the freeze, all the things you know, even fawning, even like being like oh, I feel a little bit better when I don't really feel all that better to like manage my anxiety and the anxiety of people around me, and all you know the things so helpful and hurtful. And the thing I have learned about this journey is that two things are true almost all the time and we have to honor that because they're there and they're both true. So, yes, the knowledge both helped me and, I think I know, added to my struggles, for sure, you know, and even, like you know, assessing suicide for so long, you know, and understanding the levels of where you get to that Thinking like, having thoughts like I don't know if I can do this anymore, and knowing that I was high on the spectrum as far as not being a danger to myself, I was, I'm safe, right, you know, but also knowing I've never had thoughts like that before, Like I've never thought I can't do this.
Speaker 3:I've had two kids and they've been teenagers, and my husband and I have had ups and downs and my parents have been sick and my dad's had brain injuries and all the things, and I've loved and lost people and all the things. I've never thought I don't know if I can do this. And it showed up. It showed up for sure, and it showed up mostly on the IBD side. And that's kind of why, you know, one reason why I was so grateful to find this platform, to be able to share this, because the cancer cancer is so well known, right? I mean, we all talk about cancer and it's on all the things and it's the biggest donation and all the you know.
Speaker 3:And then you know people fighting cancer on Instagram and their heads are bald and they're or they're fighting it and their heads aren't bald. And I'm thinking why do you have your hair? That's not fair. You know like, so there's it's just a much more talked about thing. And like that whole time I was going through it, I was getting all sorts of support from my community, like you know plants and gifts and stuffed animals and cards and all the things For 2023, once 2024 rolled around and my job was different. Now I had recovered from the cancer, right, yay, that's great and it is, and it's not a small thing. But now I need to put my body back together. And what does that look like? And I'm more alone because it's not, it's not a thing that everybody talks about or that anybody really talks about.
Speaker 2:You find it like humbling, or even just like a little bit scary, to be on the receiving end of that care, because I think that I did social work for about 15 years before I went into nursing and so I did trauma nursing and surgical intensive care and so I knew, when things went wrong, like how to deal with it as the caregiver. But to be in that bed and to ask for help and to have somebody clean up my mess you know what was that like for you to be in that receiving position, for you know medical services and you know mental health services Was that challenging.
Speaker 3:I mean yeah Humbling is the best word for that because I mean I have always been, I got this. I'm strong. I mean I'm an Aries, I'm you know all the things I'm like I'm I'm an Aries, I'm you know all the things. I'm. Like I don't need help. And then I did, and so I didn't even have a chance to like ask for help. Like I went from like stoically managing my chronic illness that was never going to go away forever, to receiving a cancer diagnosis and then managing you know how to tell my parents, how to tell my kids, you know all that to all of a sudden I'm in a hospital bed and I can't control my body. Like I've lost control, any illusion of control that I thought I had gone.
Speaker 2:I mean oh yeah, we're not in the driver's seat, no, we're not, we're never, we never are, and I and I, and then again.
Speaker 3:That's another thing where you think it's one thing to like say it, and then it's another thing to be like, oh shit, yeah, the keys I'm out, like, yeah, I, I got nothing. All I can do is just hope that everybody is gonna care for me in the way that you know and help me I, you know again yeah, so humbling is the is the word that I would say.
Speaker 2:Yeah, for sure do you feel like your experience has kind of changed the trajectory of how you manage, how you deal with your patients?
Speaker 3:now? Well, I haven't gone back to work yet oh okay, and I've been pretty, you know, intentional about that. I'm not. I again, like I said, just as last week, I'm not in a space to be able to hold space for anyone Like I. You know, and I and I also know, I know that I needed to set better boundaries as far as, like, even just absorbing energies, right, so like yes, yes, a friend of mine was like I'm an empath, I can't really do it.
Speaker 2:I was like, oh, I think that I do. So when my patients are upset, I take that home with me, I eat it and then I just I live with it. And so, yes, the boundaries are hard to set in certain. You know jobs and life for sure. You're absolutely no you're absolutely right.
Speaker 3:And I remember, like I work with a quantum energy worker and she's been very helpful and she's wonderful and, among my other, all my other people that have helped me, like nutritionists and doctors and my current therapist all the things. When we first started working together, she was noticing that I was carrying around a lot of people's energies, you know, and she would tell me how many and then I would kind of you know, we'd kind of assess who they were. And finally, I think it was after my second Instagram post where I started to sort of share my story and you know, I had already said before that I have something about cancer, and so people were responding in droves. You know, these people that love me and I'm so grateful and I'm so loved and it's, it's wonderful. However, I was not managing my energy well. So I showed up to a session and she was like um, did you go to like a festival or something, or did you go to like a concert or like on an airplane? I'm like no, my bedroom, like I know. She's like, because you're carrying around 350 people's energy right now, I go, well, I posted on Instagram and she's like yeah, that might do it. So I couldn't do that anymore.
Speaker 3:And then right after that is kind of when my body started to go get sick again, like I got all the inflammation and the rejection of the implants and all the things. So, yes, energy management is something that I never even really thought about. I just thought, okay, I'll just like I'll go for a run or I'll go jog it out or whatever. But it's different. It's attention to where you end and they and they begin. It's attention to do you really want to be where you are, like you know, like saying yes to things that you don't want to go to, or saying it's time to go when I'm tired, and like really honoring that on, relentlessly honoring your space and your energy.
Speaker 3:That's what I've learned. So now, I mean I now when I see her? You know, I see her every couple months or so. The last three times I haven't been carrying around anybody's energy and I'm like that's so great. I mean, you know, because I can be in my life and love all my people and care for everyone, but I don't need to carry it, you know, and learning how to do that, I don't think I would have figured that out, you know, I don't know how I would have figured that out.
Speaker 1:How do you undo what comes naturally to you? You know it's like how do you stop being blonde? You know this is part of you, so it is difficult to try to figure out how to do that. I don't know. We've had a lot of folks that really have openly talked about like journaling and writing and that side of how you're coping with your disease. Is this always something you've done? Is this just a part of you or how did you start this? What would you tell people that want to take this on as a way to kind of channel stress?
Speaker 3:So I've never been a good journaler ever, I mean, I love to write. I've been. I love to write things and write papers. I love to write Journaling. No, I don't need a record of what I've done or what I haven't done or how I feel about it. I don't need that.
Speaker 1:It feels very self-indulgent. Indulgent, right, it does yeah.
Speaker 3:So I've got journals that are like quarter-filled, half-filled, and your question about what I would tell people is like circling in my brain, because what happened was during the year of the 2023, when I was the new, ostomy was new and the cancer was being treated and all the things. I did pick up a little journal every now and then and I would start to write and, man, I was like I can't do this anymore. This is sad, like cause, this girl is sad. Like everything was like I'm achy but I'm restless. I'm hot but I'm like freezing. I'm hungry but I'm nauseous. Like I have no hair on my body but I'm 51. Like it was, like it was just sad and I was like I can't do this anymore. So I kind of put it away and then I just took that off the plate for me. Like I was like this is not working for me and it was more in the looking back, right. So in the writing, I do believe that in the act of writing, that being present and even just like simply being present enough to write is very centering. So I do believe that that probably helped me while I was writing. It was the looking back that I was like this is too hard. This is too sad.
Speaker 3:By the time January of 2024 rolled around, I was healing enough to where I felt like my juices were starting to flow. I was like, okay, I feel like I need to share something or I need to get something down, and I came across a book that has popped up into like my world a few times, called the Artist's Way. It was written back in the 1970s and I can't remember the author. All of a sudden, but it's, she walks you through. It's like a 12 week program and you write three pages a day, no matter what, like three pages, whether or not you're writing stream of consciousness, like just like the wall is green and my mirror is brown and the lights are on and this, you know like that, just getting yourself to be present in the moment. So that's what she asked you to do. And then there's like all these other prompts, and so I started to do that because I was like really feeling like I just I needed an outlet, you know. So I started that the prompts became too daunting and too like irrelevant really for what I was dealing with. A lot of them were like stuff with your childhood and this and that, and I'm like yo, I just need to process this.
Speaker 3:Last year, like I don't need to go back to like when I was four, like let's write, let's keep it here. So I just again allowed myself to push that aside and I just stuck with the three pages. And I found this really great hardback journal that has, like you know, writing on both sides and I just wrote every single day and wrote for three pages, no matter what. And it got to the middle of the third page and I can. There's tons of them where it's just like I don't even know what I'm writing. I'm not even I don't even know why I'm still here, but I'm going to get to the bottom of this. I could just you know the act of it and then when I got to the end, I would flip around and go the other way. So now, every now and then I'll allow myself to read back, but I'm really focused on just like on the writing.
Speaker 3:And where it helped me that I didn't anticipate was in really dark moments where I just felt like I couldn't eat and then like I had no appetite because of either the anxiety or the surgery that I just had, because you know, when they handle your intestines. They just like want to die, and so they don't work for a while, you know. So I would grab my journal and I would just like write about that, and it would pull me back up to a place where I felt like I could breathe again. I was like, okay, I just I got all that out. This is what's going on right now. And even when it was, like, you know, struggling to eat, like I mean I was writing about dear food, you know I don't want you, but I get that you're important and so I'm going. You know we need to give ourselves so much grace, you know, when it comes to, like, what it is that we need to do or think that we should be doing, right, so I just needed it.
Speaker 3:And so, like I mean, even when, at the end of my stay after my initial the J pouch surgery, that time, when I was having all the anxiety and all the stress and I just I couldn't figure out why, I mean I got up out of my hospital room and I just grabbed my journal and I just walked. I didn't even know where I was going, but that was the only thing I grabbed. I left my phone, but I grabbed my journal so I was like that's my for right now, that's everything's right there, you know. And anyway, I ended up going outside and sitting for a while and finally deciding that, okay, I'm going to go back in there and I'm going to put that food in my mouth and then I'm going to take another step and then I'm going to ask to go home. And it was just step by step, half hour by half hour.
Speaker 3:Sometimes you know it's a lot, but that's what I would say, I guess, is that honor what you want. You know, if it feels good and it fits, you do it. If it doesn't, you know, don't just giving yourself, I guess, grace to like be messy on the page or not show up. But what I did say is that I will show up here. I will show up here every day for me, and that was really kind of the beginning of like really figuring out and finding out how little I was really pouring into, just me, you know. And so I just made that promise. I said three pages every day. You can do it, and there's been times when I've skipped, for sure, you know, but not a lot, and I'm really, really grateful that I did that, because it's all there and what ended up coming out was like, you know, yes, there's sometimes, just sometimes, this is what you've done that day or what you think you should have done. I try really hard not to do that.
Speaker 3:I but like also like a lot of poetry, like you know, stuff that would just come out and just feel like, okay, I just need to say this and this and this. I mean letters to my surgeons, letters to my stoma, letters to food, like I said, you know. So I guess, yeah, that's what I would say. It's trust yourself that you know what's good for you. Promises that we make to ourselves about ourselves are almost always the first ones we break, and they should never be the ones that we break. We are in sole custody of ourselves, period, you know, and can't do anything for anyone unless we do it for ourselves. That being said, you know I managed to get to 49 years without really really putting myself first, you know.
Speaker 1:Like, your body certainly forced you to do that.
Speaker 3:Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, and so I trust her. You know, and I love her and she looks way different now than she used to. You know, like everything's changed everything and the insights changed out. But even back to when I found the lump, you know, it's like I never did self breast exams ever. I was like, oh no, my doctor's got it. I once a year in the doctor, once a yearly mammogram. I'm good, you know. But that day my body was like yo, this, right here, you got to listen to this. And then, you know, so I did.
Speaker 2:I have random questions that I love to ask all my IDB pals do you have a favorite toilet paper?
Speaker 3:as soft as possible.
Speaker 2:I'm a Cottonelle girl but my friend is like Charmin all the way.
Speaker 3:But, like you know, just yeah, I can go back, I can do both Charmin and Cottonelle. I don't have a, it's just like the softest one and I know it. If it's not, you know, and I'm like I have to go to the movies and that's like I should just take my. You know, and I actually we installed a bidet in between the two surgeries, cause I was like. I'd read about it and heard about it. I anything that you can do to make the journey you know better.
Speaker 3:You know I and you know yeah, and even like just in my bed, I've got like a little switch where I can turn on like lights, but like often like to try to put yourself and your environment, as you know, a real priority and it and it will benefit you a lot, but we just don't do that enough, you know I don't think I definitely consider like toilet paper or health care.
Speaker 2:It's something that you know is important to me. Yeah, my family has. My mom gave up scot tissue, thank the lord. Oh yeah, because of it. What even is that? It's so gross.
Speaker 1:But when you were talking about journaling you were like kind of going through this list of things and it reminded me of an Alanis Morissette song like uh, what it all comes down to.
Speaker 3:Ironic, ironic.
Speaker 1:Yes, and what's funny is I looked up your Enneagram your like type whatever and Alanis Morissette is the same Enneagram as you and I was like this feels like kismet right now. I know so I, because you're. When we ask people to write their bio, you wrote yours and you noted you're an Enneagram four people to write their bio.
Speaker 1:You wrote yours and you met. You noted you're an Enneagram four and tell me your very fast and quick and dirty version of like how did you get into the Enneagram? Tell me a little bit more about Enneagram stuff, cause you're the first person who's brought this up. Thank you, oh really Okay.
Speaker 3:Yeah, it's funny when you'd like start to introduce yourself the first thing, like I would normally say I'm a mom, I'm a wife and this time I'm left-handed, I'm an Aries. I'm an Enneagram four. It's, you know, it's just me centered and it just needs to be. I remember learning about it, Like when my kids were in school. They, they did it like a program at the church and they talked about it and I remember thinking I don't know what that is and was, and so then I started down the kind of rabbit hole trying to figure out what I was. And then I met another really really good friend of mine, who continues a still really good friend of mine, and we were in grad school together and I was doing had to get in front of the class and do like a mock counseling session with the Amber Geiger, the woman who shot the guy who was in prison, and anyway she was. It was a tricky situation because she's the perpetrator, but I had to like counsel her as a human because she's still human, you know. So anyway, I was up there doing that role-playing and I got out and finished it and my my really good friend she said do you know where your Enneagram number is and I said, yes, do you? It's such a four person to say, and she's like, yeah, I'm a four. And I said I am too, and I found, like you know, a couple different fours in my orbit. You know that I just adore Quick and dirty the best way, in my opinion, and I still kind of talking to my kids about this and people.
Speaker 3:It's like you can read all the things and take all the tests and answer all the questions, but at the end of the day, when you go through each number, they have core motivations and core fears and that's where you'll find yourself like resonating, but it will take a while. You know there's numbers on either side of you and so you're part of like so I'm a four, so there's a little bit of three in me and also a little bit of five, and you go to different numbers when you're in stress or when you're in growth. It's all just super fascinating to me. And, yeah, four is like a very resonant number with me. My birthday is four. Four.
Speaker 3:I have four people in my family. I currently have four animals. Four is like my grounding number it's just and four in the angel number is very like grounding that has showed up for me, like in the last month or so, Like I mean, I've always seen, always had fours in my life, but I've started to see them show up more and it's asking me to really, you know, continue to kind of ground down and stay true to myself, and it's just another way to get to know yourself really, like at the end of the day, you know, and whether or not, you get it right or wrong of what you are, or whether or not you're like a desirable number or whatever that may be.
Speaker 3:I don't even understand what that means. It's just another opportunity to kind of interface with yourself and be like, oh yeah, I am motivated by that. Oh yeah, that does scare me. To interface with yourself and be like, oh yeah, I am motivated by that. Oh yeah, that does scare me. So, you know, yeah, it's good. Yeah, I felt super validated. You know, it was just like wanted to be me, but then I also wanted to like make sure everyone in my life was like I was taking care of and, you know, helping and all the things. But then, like you know, the four is individualist. Their, their fear is to not have significance and their motivation is to be authentic and every little morsel that we can grab onto and learn about ourselves just like enriches our vibration, it just makes us like, it just makes us more happier and more effective human, if that makes sense, Like just you know. So we're not like swimming upstream, you know, we're going with the flow.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're going to end with what's the one thing that you want the IBD community to know? What's your knowledge bomb?
Speaker 3:That it's not your fault. This was not my fault. I did not hyper independence my way into ulcerative colitis. I did not repress my emotions into cancer. These things happened to me and I responded, you know, with everything that I could. And it's really, really fucking hard. I will say that, you know, and then hard, it's like that word, it's like it's so short and it's like so small and it's like there's so many layers to hard, and this is, this is hard and it's forever. And that's what I would say, and I would say thank you for anything that you ever share about your journey, because I have grabbed onto morsels here and there to help me from one day to the next, you know, and even if they show up as not being true, for me knowing that there's someone out there and going through that, that's so true for so many people of like you know.
Speaker 1:Your story may not be exactly like Stacy's, exactly like Robin's, but there's pieces of it that everybody can relate to. You know, on everybody's side. So I think that's super, super important. Thank you so much, stephanie for sharing your story. Thank you for coming on, thank you, stacey, for guest hosting. Thank you, guys so much. Thank you everyone for listening, thank you guys, cheers.
Speaker 3:Hi, this is Stephanie. If you enjoyed this, please rate and review, subscribe and share it with your friends.
